Captain Calvin
by Seska1729
Summary: AU. Calvin is captain of Voyager. He hates the Prime Directive. And what about this War?
1. 1x1:0 Lieutenant

"Tom Paris?"

"And what is Captain Janeway doing here?"

"I want you to take an assignme-"

Suddenly, a red streak flushed through the air, hitting Janeway smack in the head. Janeway disappeared and a yellow beam of light made its way to the nearest holodeck. "Sorry, Tom - or should I say, Lieutenant" he gave Tom some rank pips "- but I am in command of Voyager. I want you to chase down a Maquis raider, the Val Jean. Not because I dislike the Maquis, but rather because my friend is on that vessel, stranded in the Badlands. His name is Hobbes, he's a Bengal tiger, and I sent him to go help the Maquis. I'm enlisting you because I can't seem to find a better pilot than you. Got it?"

"Understood, sir."

"PLEASE - call me Calvin."


	2. 1x1:1 Intrepid

"So, Calvin, what was that streak that hit Janeway?"

"Transmogrifer Gun. I turned her into a hologram. Oh look, that's Voyager, right there next to Deep Space 9," Calvin said, pointing at the Intrepid-class. "NCC-74656. Top of the fleet."

"Wait... Transmogrifier Gun?"

"I assume that means you are an expert on 20th century Earth. Normally no one knows what I mean about transmogrifiers and duplicators and the like."

* * *

"Ledi crystals!"

"Quark, we were warned about the Ferengi at the Academy."

"I try to make an offer, and what do I get? Insults!"

Calvin walked in. "Beautiful, aren't they? It's a wonder you can get these anywhere in the system for next to nothing. Ensign, they did warn you about the Ferengi at the Academy, right? In other news, Harry, you're now Voyager's ops officer."

* * *

Calvin was almost finished giving a tour of the vessel. "Sickbay! Our EMH has probably the worst bedside manners in the Federation. Computer, activate Emergency Medical Holographic program."

"Please state the nature of the medical emergency."

"There is none, Doc. You will be our CMO for this mission and most missions to follow. I've already taken the liberty of upgrading your memory centers from 3 years consecutive to 150."

"What?"

"And then there's the bedside manners. Oh, Doc, you might want to pick a name."

* * *

"Okay, I only have a minimal crew. I plan on merging in the Maquis crew to that end. Lieutenant Paris, Ensign Sito, set a course for the Badlands."

"Okay, Calvin."

The ops station beeped. "Calvin, I'm reading a tetryon scanner beam."

"Try and block it. Red alert."

The ops station bleeped some more. "CALVIN, INCOMING DISPLACEMENT WAVE - OW THAT HURT!"

The ship lurched as it was transported to the Delta quadrant.

* * *

"What is that?"

The Caretaker's Array practically took up the whole screen. And the screen was big.

"Calvin, we're being hailed. It's the Val Jean."

"On screen."

_"Chakotay here."_

"Yes, I know. My name is Calvin. I don't hate the Maquis like, you know, practically everybody else. You've probably met Lt. Paris?"

_"Tom, huh?"_

* * *

On the Maquis vessel, B'Elanna was running a routine diagnostic on the starboard warp core.

Hobbes walked in. "I can run that in around 5 minutes."

"What?!"

"Calvin created an accelerated diagnostic tool for the War."

"Calvin, as in that crazy 6-year-old captain on Voyager?"

"Well, depends on what you mean by crazy..."

* * *

_"Get in the box!"_

_"No no no. I'm not getting transmogrified or duplicated or whatever that thing does!"  
_

_"Hobbes, when the box is right side up, it's a time machine, remember?"_

_"EVEN WORSE!"_

* * *

"Yeah, pretty crazy. Wonder I was his friend for 18 years now."

"Hobbes, that's fine and all, but with all due respect, bring on the diagnostic."

And the comm system chirped. _"Seska to B'Elanna, that Calvin dude? He just beamed me over to Voyager."_

"Oh just great. I'll start working on it. B'Elanna out."

* * *

"You look like a pretty nice crewmember. What's your name? I didn't catch it during your transmission."

"Seska."

"Okay. Ensign Seska, welcome to Voyager! I've done my research, and Voyager is about three times the size of your vessel. I'm assigning you some quarters. There you will find a uniform and a commbadge. We are one crew, on two vessels, and welcome! Tuvok is preparing a holonovel... erm, **training simulation**... called Insurrection Alpha, depicting a Maquis mutiny. Do not be alarmed. I have a former Maquis on board," he gestured to Tom, "and he says so far it's actually quite fun. Feel free to hack the holonovel if you feel it needs some improvements. Just don't tell Tuvok. He'll go logic crazy and launch into a four-hour lecture, if you know what I mean."

"I know what you mean Calvin, he's given me the lecture so many times I've lost count." Seska grimaced.

Seska started to flicker, and Calvin immediately understood what was going on. "Hang in there, Hobbes, Seska..." he growled as he deployed the docking shaft.

The docking shaft was fully deployed and operational rather quickly. To test it out, Calvin went into the turbolift. "_Val Jean_ deck 4," he requested.

* * *

By this time, Hobbes was done with the accelerated diagnostics. Some doors swooshed open. "Hey Hobbes!"

"Calvin! Okay, guys, this is Calvin. Please, do not insult him, or risk being transmogrified into something gross. You really don't want to mess with him."

A loud vworping sound came from behind them, and B'Elanna was no longer on board the ship.

_"Chakotay to all hands: battle stations."_

_"Ensign Sito to all hands: You heard him."_

"Seska, you know what? I'm giving you a bridge position."

* * *

"A Borg probe?"

"I am just as lost as you are here, Calvin."

"Try hailing it, Seska."

Characters flashed on the screen. You know the mantra, you know the translation.

"Ensign Sito, I'm gonna try and send a response."

_To the Borg vessel: I possess vaccines to assimilation. Prepare to be boarded and disconnected. My crew is your crew._

"Wait... Did you just say Ensign Sito? As in Sito Jaxa?"

"Yup, Seska, that would be her."

The ops station beeped. "Calvin, half the crew of the probe is beaming out. On to a nearby sphere. The sphere is retreating."

"Harry, disconnect the rest of the probe."

Cue more beeps. "Done."

"Beam Seska, Jaxa, and me on board that probe... call it Revival."

The transporter whirred, and they dematerialized.

* * *

Just one step after they materialized, streaks of weapons fire started coming at them.

They started to run.

Calvin attempted to disable the Borg weaponry.

* * *

"Calvin to Doctor: Prepare to beam 4 directly to sickbay!"

"Understood, sir."

"ENERGIZE!"

The transporter whirred.

* * *

"Where the hell am I?"

"I don't know, but could you please stop asking me that? It's all you've been saying for the past. three. hours."

"Shut up, Tom."


	3. 1x1:2 Spaciotemporal Displacement

"Who are you?"

"I'm Calvin. I captain this ship."

"And you are fluent in Borg alphanumerics?" Her words had a tone of suspicion.

"Hey, I've had eight years! Eight years travelling time and space."

Suddenly, her voice changed to a harsh, electronic uptalk. "_**YOU ARE AFFILIATED WITH THE DOCTOR! YOU WILL BE EXTERMINATED! EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!**_"

"I am NOT affiliated with the Doctor! And besides, you are Borg, not Dalek."

"Sorry about that. I assimilated a Dalek and a Weeping Angel last year. Didn't end well for the sphere I was on."

"I can imagine. What's your na- err, designation?"

"Aster. Secondary adjunct of that vessel you started calling Revival."

"_Star._ Fitting for a secondary adjunct of a ship like that."

"I used that name to avoid my official designation. I mean, really, 435 of 860, Secondary Adjunct of Tetramatrix 1335 is a bit cumbersome."

"I can understand, Commander."

Aster simply cocked her head.

"Although the Borg have an ingenious telepathically connected one-rank peer-review system, the Federation has a hierarchical command structure. As I understand it, a Secondary Adjunct is equivalent to a Federation first officer, no?"

"Ah, and a first officer is generally a commander, with the notable exception of Lt. Cmdr. Worf of the starship Defiant (NX-74205)."

"Exactly. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to work on the systems a bit."

* * *

The bio-neural gel packs turned out to be the problem. Evidently, the gel packs on deck 14 had been replaced with... blue jello? Whoa, this quadrant was getting crazier by the moment.

"Sorry about that." Calvin jumped. "Insurrection Alpha. Got several mobile emitters working, accidentally transported them around the ship, and inadvertently spilled the. best. holonovel. ever. into the corridors. Holo-Neelix managed to get several people on my deck drunk. Hence the blue jello."

"Seska, who's Neelix?"

"While you were spending hours down messing with the computers, Ensign Sito and I managed to make first contact with a race known as the Talaxians, of which Neelix is one. His oversized cargo ship, the Baxiel, is currently testing out its weapons on our captain's yacht. He also managed to wind up as head chef and converted the "captain's private dining room" into a mess hall. Tuvok updated the program, I activated it, and goodbye gel packs, which is why I am here."

* * *

A loud vworping sound echoed through the halls of the Sanctuary of Ocampa V.

Aster and Ensign Sito stepped out of an artificial untempered schism.

"So it does work..."

"The design's been circulating in my Tetramatrix for a while now. I wouldn't be surprised if the entire Collective was using spaciotemporal displacement transporters."

Several Ocampa guards and a cat-nurse from the five-billions ran out from all directions. Including from above and below. Which was slightly awkward.

Jaxa tapped her commbadge. "Energize!"

With a loud VWORP and a time vortex, the two were gone.

* * *

"So this looks sort of like a sickbay..."

**vworp vworp vworp.**

"Hello, Tom, B'Elanna."

"Who the HELL are you and what was that vortex?"

"My name is Aster. This is Ensign Sito Jaxa. We came here to escape the Ocampan guards and five-billions-cat-nurse that surrounded us when we just used the spaciotemporal displacement transporter. The password is: computer, override TARDIS command crimson 11 delight petrichor."

The doors swooshed open and they ran for the nearest surface entry.

"Computer, authorize surface entry using passcode 413368 Tango 181171 Charlie 4 Victor 38880 Foxtrot 615335957 Lock!"

Dragging along a somewhat confused young female, they entered the surface.

**vworp vworp vworp.**

* * *

A time vortex opened in the mess hall, resulting in the five hitting the counters and possibly breaking everything in Neelix's kitchen.

"Kes?"

Seska and Calvin had traced a warp core failure to a replicator only serving tuna in the mess hall and entered with screwdrivers at that exact moment.

Screwdrivers were used.

Replicators exploded.

The ship almost crashed into the Array.

Several holograms started flickering throughout the ship.

Tables broke windows.

And everyone got beamed off.

Except those five.

**VWORP.**


	4. 1x1:3 Spare Reactors

Somehow, they materialized on the bridge.

"Okay, now we need to figure out who gets what position."

"Jaxa, we all get every position."

"Wha?"

"Calvin praised the 'hive mind' or telepathically connected one-rank peer review system. A miniature collective should be more efficient than the hierarchical system. Think about it this way. Is it better to have five specialized computers, or a neural network of five computers multitasking?"

"Ah..."

"And if we hook in the EMH and fire up a mobile emitter, and hook in the EDH and fire up another, then every possible task is taken care of with a crew of seven."

"Aster, initiate the collective."

* * *

WE ARE ONE.

THAT THOUGHT WAS INAPPROPRIATE, TOM.

HEY!

STOP IT.

ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT...

KAZON SHIP!

FIRE.

ONE DOWN, FLEET TO GO.

KAZON SHIP!

FIRE.

NO EFFECT.

GET THE HELL OUT OF THEIR WAY.

PLEASE STATE THE NATURE OF THE MEDICAL EMERGENCY.

YOU STAY OUT OF THIS, DOC.

ARRAY!

CHANGE HEADING!

BORG PROBE!

...HUH?

VOYAGER TO REVIVAL, RUN!

* * *

Calvin walked around the array.

That was a lot of grass.

Loads of grass.

Oh look, banjo player!

...what?

* * *

I WILL BEAM OVER AND TALK TO THE LEAD KAZON.

...HUH?

DISENGAGE THE COLLECTIVE.

..WHAT?

FRAK IT!

* * *

"Disengage your weaponry."

"Since when do I take orders from a female... a child, even!"

"Since now. I can donate some tech in exchange for peaceful passage through this space."

"...okay."

* * *

"I think I got him off us. Pull us in right next to the Array."

"Aye, sir."

Voyager managed to pull in, despite the heavy fleet.

"Seska to Calvin, do you copy?"

* * *

"What are you staring at me for, kid?"

"I dunno, except for the fact that you are playing an **Earth** instrument on a space station **half a galaxy away**. What are you here for?"**  
**

"We are explorers, like you, from a species called the Nacene. We came across the Ocampa homeworld, but in our attempts to make contact, we accidentally wiped out their atmosphere. As an effort to save their species, we created an underground biosphere to support them. I am nearing the end of my lifespan, and my previous mate went into another galaxy."

Calvin raised his eyebrows. "On Earth, there's a proverb: _Everything has its time, and everything dies._ So you're essentially attempting to delay the destruction of the Ocampa race."

"Exactly."

"I have a couple spare fusion reactors, and a duplicator to make more. Theoretically, they could sustain the Ocampa for billions of years."

"..."

"And I can place gravimetric satellites around the Ocampa star to delay the planetary destruction."

"..."

_"Seska to Calvin, do you copy?"_

"Yes, I do. Beam over a couple fusion reactors and my duplicator."

**VWORP.**

* * *

"How long is he going to be there?"

"My question exactly."

* * *

"Computer, can we go to warp on thruster power?"

"... 404. 404. FILE NOT FOUND. 404. 404. FILE NOT FOUND. 404."


	5. 1x1:4 Caretaker

**vworp vworp vworp.**

"Why is the computer yelling _404 File Not Found_?" Calvin asked.

"I have absolutely no idea. **Computer, explain.**"

The lights went out.

"I'll try to look for something by connecting a standard display up to the computer," Jaxa offered.

A pause. "Okay, does anyone know what a NullPointerException is?"

Calvin, Seska, and Aster (the three people with any knowledge of basic programming currently on the bridge) groaned.

"I would like to meet whoever programmed that computer, and give him a good, hard, Jackie Tyler slap," Seska muttered.

"Actually, I don't think that will be necessary. _**Q!**_" Calvin shrieked.

"Oh, Cally. You have the worst sense of humour," the disembodied voice of Q called.

**"FIX THE COMPUTER, OR I'LL KICK YOU SO HARD YOU'LL BE RUNNING FOR _BENJY_!"** Calvin yelled.

Q did not respond.

"What was that about, Calvin?" Seska asked.

"Benjy refers to Captain Sisko, who once kicked him in the groin and punched him in the face. Q later complained that _'Jean-Luc never hit me!'_."

* * *

_(Some time later...)_

"I'm calling up the leaders of the Federation and the Maquis."

_Beep beep beep blip dop beep._

"Okay, what's this about?"

"I am Calvin, captain of USS Voyager. I would like you to know that we are, in fact, in the Delta Quadrant. I am communicating through an abandoned alien starbase called the _Caretaker's Array_, which we have used to create a stable wormhole in the Badlands." He smirked. "Let's go exploring!"

The Federation council collectively groaned.

* * *

"Set a course for wherever you want. We're explorers; we don't have a set trajectory."

"Setting a course."

"Warp 5... _**engage.**_"

The warp field activated as the nacelles folded up.

* * *

**NEXT TIME...**

"Hatred... unending hatred for every other life form."

_*cut to saucer*_

"_**EX-TER-MI-NATE!**_"

"The murdering pepperpots strike back, eh?"

_*cut to motorbike*_

"_**DIIIIIEEEEEEE!**_"

_*cut to brig*_

"Pick any mode of escape."

"Explosion-related."

"Good choice."

CAPTAIN CALVIN WILL BE RIGHT BACK IN...  
**REMEMBRANCE OF THE DALEKS**


End file.
